So, it's been a tough weekend. Lots of tears and feelings of anxiety, confusion. Like a fog of fear, not knowing where to go or even how to move. It's hard to describe. Cancelling sessions because I know I have to feel this feeling. I have to face my perceived fears in order to release them. There comes a point where the habit, the schedule, the pattern just cannot go on and I have to listen; I have to feel. I realize that I don't want to live with excuses anymore. I cannot just go through the motions, re-enforcing the habit because I have bills to pay, instead I must give myself permission to stop, I see that deep down I have this fear of 'dropping the ball' or of not having enough.
Trusting My Inner Voice
I need to trust my inner voice, because I know I am always creating a new life. I know I feel a desire for more; more love, more flow, more joy, more expansion, more honesty, more truth. That the life I am currently living is shifting, wearing thin. I am tired. And through all this, I know everything is okay. I know that change is happening. I know I have to write. I write to make sense of it all. I write to off-load the burden of keeping it inside. I write to express and to remind myself that I have a voice. Shedding barriers and looking at the walls that have been in place for so long can feel frightening. Suddenly, I am no one. I am a lost little child, crying tears of abandonment because, once again there is a feeling of knowing absolutely nothing, with no idea where to go and with nothing to cling to.
Then there's a feeling of going deeper. When the fear comes up, go deeper, keep feeling and soon there will be light. Soon, there will be a message of hope, an insight, wisdom, clarity. Moving through the change, alone, yet with my intuition, trusting that a sign will appear, that I will know at the perfect moment where to go or what to say. I am the most powerful thing in my world and I need to own that. My life is not dictated by the bills I have to pay, nor the classes I teach; my life is dictated by my state of mind. And I can honestly say that my life is getting better and better and I am mostly a very happy, joyful, content person, but I also feel this need to be honest. That life is emotional and I know that I need to take responsibility and feel the emotions that arise so that I can better learn and move into alignment. Stop resisting!
A Paradigm Shift
It's all okay. How drastically this current paradigm is shifting. Raised with questions like, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' A mass thinking that there was one answer, one chance to be something of import and that once the decision was made, it was final. Now, instead, we have an economy in collapse, a generation of confusion and conflict, along with the exposure of authoritative deception of the masses, where profit has usurped common good and as individuals, we are clutching for dear life, our sense of security. What is going on? What has the world come to? My life has taught me that the external reality we perceive is always changing. That we are evolving and that within us all is the greatest security we could ever seek. Money cannot bring happiness and our relationships, we the people are here to teach one another and indeed, support one another through a massive evolutionary shift. The world we have created so far, to put it bluntly, is not quite working. Somehow, for some reason, along the way we decided to separate ourselves, to stop feeling and to blindly accumulate 'stuff'. Whether it's cars, cash in the bank or lots of clothes, our external seeking is merely a reflection of an inner sense of lack. How can we truly possess anything in a world of impermanence?
Working on Ourselves
How can we go on like this? We have to stop lying to ourselves and start doing the inner work; it's time. The beauty is this: the more we practice appreciation and gratitude, the less we need. The more we start to look inward the more expansive our power feels. This power is not fake, control driven deception, it is loving, all encompassing and compassionate. And personally, I believe it's the only way. Our individual and collective healing is at stake here. It is only through looking within can we each begin to unravel our distorted thinking patterns in order to find our way back to wholeness...and this is what we are meant to be doing. No number of shoes will make you more compassionate. No savings in the bank can bring you love. Nothing outside of you is gonna give you what you are looking for. It's all in you. So, be aware of those worrying thoughts, the general gossip that has a negative undertone, have the courage to politely remove yourself from the discussion, and begin to consciously turn it around.
Appreciating the World
Be diligent in your mind, fill it with love, light and true abundance. See through the illusions to recognize our Oneness and Divinity...let the rest go. We are moving through times of great change, let's be grateful for all we have accomplished so far and start appreciating the new world we all have the power to create. PEACE ON EARTH. Yum.
Be the Change