I Failed.

I failed.

I failed at finding the one. I failed at making babies. I failed at building an audience and generating passive income. According to the world’s materialistic standards…and my own grandiose delusions, I failed. I have created an online business and been promoting it for over 13 years. I have worked with digital sales experts, social media experts, strategic marketing “gurus”…and none of them boosted sales, like they said they could or would. I wanted to give up multiple times. I travelled the world to conduct interviews and create online courses, with almost no money and very little support. I’ve had “loved ones” tell me to give up, multiple death threats from people on the internet, and people I’ve tried to support, and had to get police involved when stalkers found my address and came to visit me. It’s been a journey…and for the last 6 years in particular, it’s been a very lonely one. People have stolen my ideas, used my generosity and expertise to build their own businesses and then evict me, or worse. I’ve had to flee from perverted and dangerous situations multiple times and had to rely on faith and the generosity of strangers. NO one knew what I was going through, how hard it was and then, people didn’t believe me when I told them. I survived toxic “partnerships”, when he told me I deserved it all…and had nothing and nowhere else to go. No family around me, friends who abandoned me when I couldn’t show up how they wanted me to and more recently, people abandoning me for sticking up for myself or choosing to look after myself rather than sacrifice myself for them. So yeah, I failed. BIG TIME.

I’m weeping as I write. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the courage to write again. It’s taken years to heal from burnout, financial collapse and to see that the people I thought cared or were there for me…never really cared at all. They only wanted me to serve them, to be subservient, to remain silent and to disappear when I was no longer useful to them.

Despite the death threats, the losses, the emotional abuse, betrayal, abandonment and my ability to own ALL my failures, there are some wins…and they’re important ones. I have healed my relationship with my sister, whom I’ve been nearly estranged from for over twenty years. I have healed and continue to heal my relationship to my mother and father. I have amazing clients, who love me and I them, and they value the work I do with them. I have my integrity and stayed true to my heart and soul….I have never sold out, even though, there were plenty of people along the way who wanted to buy me, take over my business OR they wanted me to give up. I never did. And I love myself for that. I love myself, despite all the hardship and I know how much shame, guilt and self-loathing I have healed and transformed through deep emotional work.

Everything I have created, has come from my heart and spirit. My book has changed people’s lives for the better, even though it’s not a best seller. I have helped people feel better, lose weight and transform their careers and lives, regardless of how impressive my online audience or presence is. My path has been in earnest…I have been guided to be of service, and while there was a time I thought I knew where I was going, I really didn’t. It was never about making lots of money and building a big audience to prove how special I am to the world. Rather, it was about healing my family system and lineage. It was about knowing the difference when it comes to trusting people. It was about TRULY valuing myself and honouring being healthy, in love with life and the simple things and believing that the world and the people of this world can and will look after themselves and change in their own time….and, that “saving” the world was never my responsibility.

As I approach my 43rd birthday, I am reflective. What’s it all been for? I don’t know anymore. I am grateful for a healthy body. I am grateful for a handful of good friends. I am grateful for the lessons learned. I am grateful for self-awareness. I am grateful for my ability to feel love….a love so deep that it consumes me, guides me and renews me. A love that I wish and pray that everyone knew and could feel, that they are. A love that shatters the illusion of fear and sees only a miraculous beauty and transformative truth.

I guess I’m writing today to say, I’m letting go. I’m just gonna do me, love me and live in my simple truth, trusting the process. Nothing to prove, nothing to sell. Just be. Maybe it’s boring for people addicted to achieving. Maybe it’s a failure to people who value material wealth. But in me, my integrity and health is wealth and healing important relationships is where my earnest journey has led me, and that is priceless.

As I continue to heal and grow my little sustainable life, I’ll keep believing that maybe one day wars will end and fear will be healed through a collective choosing…All To Love.

Thank you to my true supporters, you know who you are…and the gratitude I feel for you, is beyond words.