I get lost sometimes, waiting for life to happen. I forget who I am, and seem to fall back into spells of despair. The suffering of my past drowns me in heavy shackles, fear so consuming, I wonder whether I’ll ever escape the tormenting burden of un-belonging, loneliness and poverty. The deep-seated agony of unworthiness - a looming ugliness that no one wants to get near. And yet still, an annoying frustration with a fluctuating, insidious guilt at the sheer superficiality of it all. Who cares? What’s the point? Apathy. There is nothing to do. The guilt rises up to remind me - I’ll never be free, I’ll never get “there” - because I am undeserving. I am a stupid white girl, over privileged and far too entitled - delusional in her desire for a loving world - an epic conscious evolution revolution. Tired of the world but still trying to engage with it in her own little way. Deep in loneliness, she just wants a break from herself.
It all comes from within me. Making connections based on niceties. Walls built around my own desire to cover up my pain and pretend like I’m not £10000 in debt and totally confused about what direction to take. Feeling the fear creep back into my body and layering itself in reminders of my lifelong patterns of self-loathing and body disgust, never to be free, always wavering between mild okay-ness to deep despairing pain. I question. Too deep perhaps. Too much - and yet not enough. Nowhere to fit into and yet everyone telling me what to do…what I can do for them.
I want to hide. I want to live in a cave or cabin, away from life, to remember why I’ve come here. To listen so intently to the voice within that it penetrates the veils of fear and liberates my soul, so that it takes over. I’m too tired to think. Analyse. Give more words to an already saturated field of bull-shitty nothingness. Words over words. Meanings lost in overlapping untruths. Co-existence beats her head against a wall of lies - unforgiveness reigning like a black cloud soon to burst her vengeance across the globe of corruption. Forgiveness brews in our hearts as allies form on the land to grow her newness and be done with that old story of hatred.
I give myself permission to withdraw and listen. To express what I hear without holding back from my will - to be heard, if only for myself to hear myself. To hear and feel the beat of my own soul - infusing it with a loving connection to my heart and choosing to release the pain with every last gasping weeping tear, in faith that I am being cleansed, my burdens and karma being washed away with every wave of self- forgiveness for creating so much pain in the first place and believing so wholeheartedly in my severed disconnection from LOVE - All That Is - I forgive myself for believing I was ever powerless to change, to rise, to live free. Now, I choose freedom, because the pain of the past is far too painful to keep going round in circles of misfortune.
People express their condolences, “Oh, are you okay? I read your blog today” and I respond, “don’t you ever have bad days?”
But we don’t like to admit our weaknesses, we tend to want to mask our fear and pain and just complain about the stress of the mundane, superficial “problems” of so-called privilege and the global enslavement of our own divine free will. Like being a victim is just par for the course - part of being a human. Does it have to be? Can we awaken to something far greater? Can we turn the tides of our existence and rise into a great, holy loving NEW EARTH CIVILISATION? I made a choice to believe in this loving vision years ago, for if I did not, I would surely be dead. I have the power to believe, regardless of what I see, so I choose love, freedom and harmony rather than defeat. I am open to new abundant opportunities.
It’s easy to post a quote. Deflect the positivity to another person - let others be the inspiration, but shy away from your own ability to shine. Deny your authenticity - for fear it may upset the status quo. I don’t even know what that is anymore - status quo, but I am sure I ain’t it. I express myself and people want to mask it, push it away, ignore the trembling fear they feel when I express from my heart. What depth are you avoiding? What emotions are you denying? Where are you carrying blame and attack - saving your rising for another cycle - another tour around the block of avoiding guilt and chasing the pleasures that can mask your shame.
I can feel the sticky icky feels lifting as I express, and know that I cannot hold back anymore. Holding back only stops the flow. I remember who I am when I write - I am Creator. I am Love. I am Universal Expression. I am ease. Only when I stop allowing the expression does it feel wrong to be alive.
So, I’m gonna keep expressing whether you like it or not. And I may get lost, but I already am. I’ll invite you to join me in getting lost - maybe we’ll end up finding something really precious and even, blissfully divine.
Thanks and have a real day getting lost in all that you are.