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  • M. J. Robertson

Speak UP!

I am ever more aware of the powerful feelings of relief as I release fear, dissolving long-held ways of thinking and being. With the help and support of people I have attracted into my life, I am healing the wounds of the past by being present here and now and consciously choosing to see through the eyes of Love.

It’s been a journey. There has been pain, sadness, delusion and ego trips, breakdowns, meltdowns, fits of anger and rage, all artfully interwoven, delicately balanced with exquisite moments of bliss, an ecstasy that makes it all worthwhile. The highs, lows and learning curves have been extreme and profound. I realize now there is no end to the depth, no limit to the expansion, no destination to life except NOW. It’s all an eternal, never-ending wild-ride. So, what’s the rush? Why fret?

I wonder sometimes, who am I to be having these thoughts, to be feeling these feelings? The clarity and power captivates me. Indeed, how can I be anything other than what I am? Why should I deny the love and harmony that lives within me? I learn through osmosis, within the first years of life, I learn to squeeze myself into a world of pain, unconsciously buying into the struggle, the subliminal conflict that society sells me all day every day? You are not rich enough, pretty enough, fit enough or clever enough…and you never will be.

By early childhood, unconditional love and innocence forsaken, the pain more bearable when shared with others, I mask my Love, hide the peace with layers of destruction and own ‘I am unworthy.’ Life turns hard, cold, despairing. Fear takes over and I am lost.

20 years go by. As a young adult, tired and weary beyond my 30 years, I decide firmly ‘enough is enough. It’s time to reclaim my joy’.

I withdraw.

Though a painful and lonely experience, withdrawal was a totally necessary process. In quietude, self-responsibility is much easier to practice and in-so-doing, an unravelling, the removal of every mask and the remembrance of wholeness; a sacred connection with Divine Life Force, uniquely comforting and captured in every silent moment.

Now, I look only within for guidance. I am open to help, love and support and I look for joyous reflections.

I know that the more I speak up, the more I may trigger unpleasant sensation in others; denial, fear of the unknown, change.

I cannot speak for all, only for myself, but speaking up feels good. I have a voice and I am not going to let it go to waste. It feels like this is what I was meant to do and it was always what I intended to do; time and time again.

I express from my heart. Interesting nibbles of loving guidance, trinkets of emotions, a familiar resonance that floats around within me in my most sacred space and moments of bliss, that which harbours no real words to define the beauty of knowing, a vast truth that encapsulates all of existence. The words come forth, only as I allow myself to listen.

I forget the ones that forget me and hold Love for all who are calling out for it. Expressing a long lost memory held deep within the very few, only here to remind us that all is well; a Divine plan is taking place, and we needn’t fear our temporary dream distractions, we needn’t buy into anything that does not feel good and right and there really is no right or wrong, only the individual’s sense of it in any given moment.

It is paradoxical, hidden under layers of veils, forms and conditions. We have forgotten, long ago. And yet, through the ages, there have been those who have appeared to remind us, to trigger that lost knowing, a humble understanding of our greatness. This cannot be taught, for it is within us. Each and every one of us must remember. Even as I write, I know these words can be far beyond my own reach, as I temper and struggle with my own illusions, my own remembering comes through medicated testing and altered states, yet through my own acceptance, I allow myself to act out in whatever way my Soul dictates, for in every encounter is there learning, in every moment a signal to Truth and my own signature Divinity, the unique gifts I have to share, that which I receive, including these words.

I am not designed to follow externally imposed rules. None of us are. I am not here to listen to someone else’s truth just because they say it’s for my own good. It cannot be when it hurts. I need to carve my own route, because that’s real. We are all walking our own path, simple as that. There is no one right way, but billions of ways leading to One timeless, truth of a reality, unexpressed in words and yet a resounding knowing that hits the heart, deep and quivers the spine.

I know now that I am not here to fix anyone; I am here to heal my Self. I do this by listening. I do this by following my Self and learning to trust It more than anything outside me.

I am not here to dictate, only share my experience and enlighten that which I have kept hidden; the fears, the worry and every untruth I discover. Mine may be different, but our journeying remains the same.

It is not hard to let go, only it is having the courage to step away from a convention that has us all hurting in a foggy state of forgetfulness and confusion. It is not out there. No amount of money or fame will solve the ache of disconnection…as glamorous and real as it may appear. The cracks begin to show when the bright lights and beauty of youth begin to fade and eternal questions re-emerge. What is it all for? What more? What more?

The insanity of ever increasing profiteering drives us deeper into despair with every slashing of ignorance in a news headline, with every person that buys into the idea that it’s all about marketing. We are lost. And that’s okay.

But our lost-ness, is too temporary, a murky faze of enlightenment, that begins to expose the shadow, our God-like creation of layer after layer of untruths, leaving a black smoke trail behind as it vanishes back into nothing-ness with every illuminating revelation. Only to be tempted again by our own fearful illusions, temporary fixes for an impermanent reality, which we fear we know nothing of. And yet, we know it all. Our separate, fearful mind, in its forgotten state, is so small, that the idea of knowing all is the most frightening of all, and so, attacks that knowing with never ending war, famine and dis-ease. We are stricken, frozen in time, like dear in headlights. What are we going to do next, when we know our patterns of fear are destroying our Planet? Can we find the courage to face all our fears and begin to create from a place of infinite knowing and unconditional Love? I believe so. I’d even go so far as saying, I know so.

I have not come here to lie or to try to be someone society has conditioned me to be; powerless, afraid, separate. I have come to speak, to express what’s inside. The honesty, moment to moment account of what’s running through my mind, how I am choosing to live and the freedom I feel as I continue to withdraw. As I continue to go deeper. My presence is enough. Our presence is enough; it’s all there is.

As we continue to venture in this beautiful life, let us remember that there is a way for every single one of us and the more we let ourselves speak, the more apparent that will become.

So, let’s none of us be afraid of speaking up.

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