Well, I wrote an entry a couple weeks ago and obviously didn't save it, so it's gone forever and I open my next entry by telling the tale.
Living in a state of letting go. What does it mean? For over a decade, I've been hearing these words ringing in my head, 'let it go'. And for years, I have been questioning, debating and resisting the meaning and the feeling behind them. All this spiritual stuff...detachment, flow, non-judgment, self-love, self-responsibility, awareness, presence...words. And words are great. But they are not the Truth...the Truth is in the feeling, the resonance of your Being. So, talk, write and read all ya like...non of it will work until you tune into your resonance. What do I mean by resonance? I mean the feelings, in particular good ones. Because if you want to feel good (which you do) you wanna pay attention to the stuff you are doing and the thoughts you are thinking when you are feeling a certain way.
For example, when I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed, or worse, bitter, I can slow down, take a breath and listen. The thought stream will be powerfully attached to blaming the conditions and people for how I am feeling. I'd say this is normal. The situations we set up in life are designed to teach us stuff. Each moment is filled with insight and curiosity for What Is. It needn't be for any other reason than to be.
I remember quite early on in my independent observational questioning of this so-called-reality, watching people pass and wondering where everyone was going...and what was the rush? I
I moved to London, England, fived days before my 21st birthday. I had a backpack and a bank card. I got myself a mobile phone (which I called a 'cell' phone back then) and bank account within a week.
Looking back, I can see that even though so much of me had no idea what was going on, another part of me did. Something was always guiding me, even into the darkness, the fear, the deception, to show me more of myself. To deepen my compassion and humility.
My late teens and early twenties is when I started writing in stream with consciousness. So, attuning to an inner voice, and simply writing what came out. I still write this way now. There was no filter and in the moment I had no idea whether any of it made any sense, but it felt good. It felt like a release. And when I reread it...sometimes it would bring me to tears. Within a few months of my awakenings, I was guided to travel to England. The inner voice said simply, go. Within a month, I was standing in the middle of Piccadilly Circus without a return ticket. I was on a mission to be happy.
Years past. Happiness eluded me and my despair grew deeper. At this point nearing thirty felt like a wicked curse. I was free falling. I was totally lost with no money, no one to reach out to, burned bridges and feeling fat...not to mention I began finding grey hair. My dreams fading and my best option was simply to 'let it go'.
I sought out healers, massage therapists, carried on with my yoga, did silent meditation courses and really got serious about my own happiness. I FUCKING DESERVE IT!
With diligence, I reprogrammed my undeserving mentality, of not being enough, of being scared of my body, hating myself, hiding behind nice words and bull shit. I finally started to own my own reality. And life, gently, started to feel good again.
Now. I am blissful everyday. I love life in all its glorious emotional waves and deepening understanding through Self-connection, trusting my own inner voice and listening to it. Following my heart and not giving a toss what others' think. It's liberation, I tell ya!
This whole epic journey, I believe, is so that I can share. Share my story. That it isn't all doom and gloom, and yet, I know it can feel like that sometimes. That there is a way for us to be peaceful, happy and fulfilled...but the path is not what we are taught, and so, not what we think. Our path is an inner call, a whisper that reminds us and gently ushers us into something we never thought was possible; our own little paradise on Earth.