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I GOTTA BE ME

May 14, 2014

Wowza, there is some seriously awesome transformational energy afoot. For me, I am currently breathing a sigh of relief. Lots of old, insidious patterns have finally been released and I feel reborn! Like a completely different person, but familiarly like my innocent, early childhood self. Expressive, peaceful and creative. In love with life and totally fearless. Like, I can finally just be myself. Comfortable in my own skin. It sounds strange, even for me, writing the words...it is mysterious and miraculous and there is a deep knowing that everything that has happened was totally meant to happen, shedding the darkness to birth even deeper sensitivity and compassion from within. A calling to help people simply by being honest in relating my own experience of the process of lasting positive change. Now, freely expressing who I am feels light and joyful, non-serious and so liberating. What have I been waiting for?

Well, all this time, since the age of about 6, when the fading into darkness began. A loss of innocence. A forgetting. The pain of the external world started to take its toll on me...and now, full of acceptance, I know it was all meant to be, perfectly designed to encourage the expansion. I chose this life, to have the experiences of addiction and hurt, betrayal, deception, control and manipulation. To encounter the deceptive, false energy of fear head-on and through self-awareness, meditation and scriptual study, to continuously and dilligently banish the fear from my mind. Restoring my mind to love and sanity. Where we all belong in truth.

So, if you are going through the journey, feeling cloudy, lost, alone...the help is within you, you need only ask. And then, begin to pay attention and watch for signs. Believe in yourself more than anything outside of you, but recognize that the outter is a reflection of the inner and we are all here to learn lessons and help one another. We are evolving as One, together, infinitely.

 

To be continued...

 

And so, the peaks and troughs evolve, showing me areas of more growth, where within me there is still more hurt and shame. The aforementioned surge of creative expression and liberation brings with it the perception of a crash, or more accurately a slowing down. I suddenly notice how little rest I am getting, this inner crippling fear of non-doing. What will happen if I stop, if I take time to watch a movie...will my old patterns come back? Will I want to gorge on popcorn and ice cream? What if by slowing down, I get a craving for a glass of wine or a smoke? What if...what if...what if? There it is, the fear is strong and I can feel I want to rest. Though I can sense as my awareness lightens and sharpens that this rest is very much an inward resting. IT IS ALL INWARD. Feeling and perceiving my inner reality is all there is...and it tires me to realize how much shame is inside, how many blocks I still have and how much hurt I am still harbouring. Even after all this 'cleansing' and meditating...And then, even if only a little, in writing it down, by sharing my ups and downs, realizations and pitfalls, I feel relieved, free from and distanced from it, just in the acceptance of it. It is an aspect of my shadow, my fear mind, the layers of pain absorbed in this lifetime to harden me, to 'teach' me 'how life is' so that I stand in line and do what I am told. The unraveling reveals to me that non of it is ultimaely true, it is just a story and I can re-write my story...however I choose. I alone hold the pen. I am my life's creator, working alongside an infinitely powerful Source.

 

Yesterday was a fucked-up day. All started out fine and dandy. Early rise, meditate, smoothie, herbal tea and a little stretch. I set off about 11am to the next town where I had a gong bath appointment at 1:30pm, early so I could get some writing done and finish some other errands. Shortly after arriving at the coffee shop my computer shut down, no battery left and no power source in sight. I feel unsettled...I cannot access the work...what to do? I sit. Eventually, the ladies near the power source at the other end of the shop leave and I scurry over to get the seat and plug in my computer. Phew! Then, I try to log onto my Local Farm Box account so I can order my fruit and veg for the week, but account is not working, I am unable to navigate or retrieve the information needed to order. I am schtumped. My 1:30 appointment time is nearing, so I close down my computer, only to check my phone with a message from my therapist saying the appointment was for 1pm...Argh! I dash off to find she is already in another session and won't be out til 2pm. I return to the coffee shop a little pang of disappointment as I was so excited to reeellaaaax...'it's all meant to be' I remind myself.

I do a little work at the coffee shop and return to my car for 2:40pm, just minutes before my ticket expires.

 

I am hungry. Balance is tilting.

 

On the drive home I think about how I will make a cooking video and practice making something different. MY tummy grumbles and a feast comes to mind...yes! I will make veggie sausage and mash. All the while...the day brings with it an underlying feeling of 'fatness' and unworthiness. These old threads of self-hatred lure me back whenever I feel tired or am putting too much pressure on myself. I press play, 'get on with it' start choppping garlic and talking to the camera as if it's my best friend. Mid-show, I notice a comment on facebook, a response to my latest creative cooking video where I made some healthy vegan oat 'n' raisin cookies, 'save one for me fatty!' I am flushed with a wave of discomfort...I can feel a lump in my throat. I want to cry. All of sudden I get a flashback to being 10 years old and a classmate calls me fat. I am wounded. I stop filming, pause and feel the pain swelling up inside me. Heat in my chest, a thick whirlpool of sick emotions. My boyfriend tries to talk to me. But, dealing with his own unraveling puts misplaced words in my mouth and decides to leave me alone (definitely for the best) as I feel my knees weaken, I want to fall to the ground, and then I do. With a carrot in my hand, I cry.

I consciously allow myself to feel it. Shame, deep sorrow, pain...I feel like a helpless little kid...I am a helpless little kid and then, mid-wave, I ask for help, to release the pain and a breath later, I surrender it all to the Universe, 'take it. You can deal with it better than me!'

Eventually, the tormenting emotion softens and I find the courage to go back in time and re-write my story. Instead of being the girl teased for being fat, I was a gorgeous girl, boundlessly happy and radiant with light and beauty. My body was always perfect. And no one ever hurt me out of truth, but out of false evidence appearing real (F.E.A.R.) 

 

The tears eventually stop and there is clarity in my heart. I get up off the ground, check my make-up and press play once again. I share with the camera my story because I know there is nothing to be ashamed of. It's just me and it's what I gotta be.

 

 

 

 

 

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